All this news about Russia scares the heck out of me up here in Alaska. The USA is getting attacked by Putin and they’re finding Americans helping him out. It looks like guys are going to go to jail over this. I say good for that.
But will any good guys get caught up in the sweep? You know when cops are trying to clean up a riot they arrest everybody in sight. Maybe some people who were just there looking around end up getting pinched by the cops. Do you see what I’m getting at?
Think about this. I’m a coke addict. No, no, I don’t mean the drug stuff. I’m not that dumb. It is Coca Cola that I love. I drink two or three cans of the stuff every day almost.
I know that the Coke company is in cahoots with the Russians. Trust me, they are. Now I don’t want them to get shut down here because they’re cozy with them Russians.
So I tried to warn Coke. Here is a letter I wrote to their head honcho:
Muhtar Kent
Chairman
The Coca-Cola Company
Atlanta, Georgia
Dear Mr. Chairman:
You got to get your company out of Russia before it’s too late. I know you’re selling Coca Cola there. Four years ago my friend went on a tour to Russia. He came back with an empty Coke can. It was a souvenir. That’s how I know. The only thing is that in Russia Coca Cola is spelled with Ks instead of Cs. Did you know that? It looks really weird.
Well that’s not why I wrote this letter. The trouble is that the word “Russia” stinks now in the USA. It’s because of Putin. People that have had anything to do with Russia and Putin are getting into big trouble. They’re being investigated. Who knows, they may even get put in jail. That’s what I heard on TV.
I’m afraid if you keep up with that Russia stuff you’re going to get in trouble too. They may even close down your company in the good old USA. Heck, I don’t want to see that happen. I’d really miss my Coca Cola.
Maybe you’re making some money over there in Russia selling those Russkies the cans of Coke with the funny spelling. So is it worth it if it gets you shut down? Or if more Americans find out about you cozying up to Russians they may start saying that Coke stinks too, just like Russia.
I hope you’ll think of us American Coke drinkers and stop playing around in Russia.
P.S. Have you ever met Putin or his former US ambassador Kislyak?
Sincerely,
Travis V. Nordale
That’s the letter. But do you know how they answered? Look at this will you:
Thank you for contacting The Coca-Cola Company, Mr. Nordale. We appreciated receiving your submission.
Because of our worldwide visibility, we receive many unsolicited suggestions from persons outside of our Company. We are complimented that our consumers are interested enough in our Company to want to help us improve our performance. At the same time, however, we are unable to consider any submissions from persons or business groups outside the Company when the submission relates to advertising, sales promotions, formula modifications for any of our brands, or concepts we have previously reviewed.
We recognize that having such a policy may occasionally cause us to miss an opportunity for good suggestions from our friends outside the Company. However, experience has shown us that our policy is the best course to follow The result is that we cannot consider marketing suggestions.
We wish to emphasize that although we cannot consider your idea, your interest is certainly appreciated. If you have additional questions or comments, please visit our website again.
Sincerely,
Jeffrey C
CokeSubmit.com
The Coca-Cola Company
What’s that you say? Here I try to help out warning them about being too tight with those Russians and he comes back thinking I’m trying to tell them how to make Coke. Maybe that guy is hooked on coke. The bad kind I mean. Maybe somebody down there in the lower 48 at the Coke main place will read this and get on the stick. I don’t want to end getting my Coke taken away because guys like that Jeffrey C is too dumb to see the hand writing on the wall. Keep your finger crossed that Coke’s got smarter dudes than him.